6:54pm: What love is
I just got back from the five-day retreat with my band. And I got to say; it is good to be home again. Surrounded by wilderness and the beautiful countryside it helped clear my mind of a lot of crap that was bugging me.
Love is a constant topic, emotion, and issue that revolve around my life and I’m sure yours as well. For many of my friends they assume since I have so many people surrounding my life that I should feel like the most loved person on earth. But that not true. Often enough I feel like the loneliest person alive. Impossible? No, not at all. We all feel alone, abandoned, betrayed, misunderstood, and exiled at various points in our lives.
But sometimes and for some people it’s a constant struggle to stay sane and to feel loved. We survive by keeping ourselves busy to dampen the hardship that is flailing away at our “heart.” Though this does ease some of our pains, it is all but temporary as the wake of the world shakes at our foundations and we start to crumble under the pressure. And like a ship with no anchor we slip into the torrential ocean of our minds.
“Why won’t s/he like me?”
“Am I that unattractive?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
These questions abuse our self worth. Strangling and choking our existence we let in this grief. It seeps in, slowly killing the beauty inside; the truth we portray into twisted lies. We let deceit tell us who we are. We allow old and new pity to take center stage within our souls. We scour the earth for someone who only pleases our worldly senses, to satisfy only our primal urges and desires. We are animals, but do we have to behave without a conscious?
I thought what I needed was something more than what God was already offering me. I was looking for that something all my life. Yet insecurities and my own lack of faith in my own power, my own talents kept me from ever reaching my full potential in life.
I kept myself alone. I made myself appear happy to everyone.
At night I would drive by myself to party, drink, and dance. Believing that the sight and sound of laughter and fleeting comradery would be absorbed into my own being.
A temporary solution never withstands the passing of time. Eventually we must face what is coming into our own homes.
My demons came for me, time and time again throughout my life in the form of failed relationships, the parting of friends, the discourse of family, the torment of failure, and the coldness of a Faithless existence.
I constantly believed I could fill my life with people, events, music, and art to make myself happy. How wrong I was.
My soul longed for love but I did not have God’s love within me. I did not have a love that was content on life first. I desired heaven before living on Earth.
This retreat away from San Jose gave me a chance to reset my thinking. Looking into the eyes of 70 youths, too see their eager minds and hearts want to know about God and about their own humanity reminded me why I wanted the same. To see them laugh and play, sing and dance to our music and actually appreciate our presence was inspiring.
There was one kid named Josh, the most thuggish looking kid from all the teens. Throughout the five days no one else really talked to him. He looked alienated and alone. My band mates and I felt sorry for him. The only time he would brighten up were the times everyone played sports. I attempted to open myself to him at various times. At most I would get a nod of agreement or a “Hi.” I felt like I was being pushed out, like I was someone corny to him.
To my surprise last night at the bond fire he wanted to take a picture with me. I thought my friend Bernardo put him up to it. I asked Bernardo, “Did you force him to take a picture with me?” Bernardo told me, “No, he asked me to take it for him.”
I felt like breaking down. I felt like something was awoken in me. I realized why I do the things I do, why I love the way I love.
When we all parted our ways Josh left the band a letter. He said he enjoyed our music and that it was something he never heard before and appreciated our presence.
But what got me was his P.S.
“Your lead singer is the most awesome person in your band.”
The teen I thought I couldn’t touch and connect with flipped my perception of him in a total 180.
That letter made me feel like I had a true purpose. Sure the 30 other letters meant much to me as well, but it was Josh who decided, “Hey Danny is an okay guy.”
As I’m writing this right now, I’m crying because that was God telling me my self worth from one voice. The most unlikely source telling me that I am loved.
My time up in Occidental was filled with wine tasting, music, games, and heart to hearts. I tried to find an answer to my pain by logic and by faith. But all I needed to do was do my duty as a Christian, singer, disciple, and friend.
And my answer would come when I least expect it to.
Am I totally over everything in my life? No.
But I think I can cope with this renewed heart and soul for a love divine.
Thanks for reading and God bless you.
- Danny
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